Nurturing a Long-Term Relationship

A dear friend of mine inspired me to write this when I was fortunate enough to hear him give advice and share this metaphor to a fellow worshiper after a service. Generally, this pertains to those calling in a soulmate, spiritual partner, long-term relationship, etc. - and doesn’t really apply to people looking for hook-ups or short-term relationships. 

What happens when there is an intense passion at the very beginning of a romantic relationship? In our society, it’s common for two people to meet and quickly engage in physical connection. Metaphorically, the fire of passion burns hot. The flames of the relationship are massive, bright, colorful, and incredibly warm. Between two people, that fire can feel hot, passionate, warm, safe, protective. What an amazing feeling!

But for most of us who have experienced that kind of immediate passion and sensation, eventually over time the fire dies down. It’s inevitable… Eventually, the flames meet their demise. We’ve all been there, there’s only so long that type of intense passion can last. 

When the big flames of a literal fire die down, what’s left? A pile of burning embers - and that’s what keeps the fire sustained. The fire won’t extinguish completely IF the embers are incredibly hot, mature, and large enough to burn without the giant bright sexy flames. So, how do two people cultivate metaphorical burning embers?

Well, if the foundation of the relationship is lacking… meaning the basis of the connection starts hot, passionate, and sexual but the friendship never develops, then the fire will go cold faster. The beginning, or honeymoon phase, is amazing! It feels real, it seems special, there’s a beautiful hot fire burning in your soul. But alas, it eventually extinguishes, and inevitably the relationship ends, usually faster than you thought it would or wanted it to. Or, you end up in an unsatisfying relationship, tied to a person you didn’t get to know first before feeling incredibly connected.

Making a romantic relationship last past the honeymoon, passionate, sexy phase requires a concerted effort to build and sustain a base of embers. When I think about what this entails it means:

• Deeply get to know each other and love each other as friends

• Understand how to make each other laugh

• Develop a sense of the other person's traumas, triggers, and family upbringing

• Have experiences together as friends, not lovers

All of this builds the foundation of the connection as two human beings simply exploring if there’s enough of a natural connection, common interests, and a deep understanding of each other's essence to create a healthy base of embers. Let the embers heat up slowly over time; through the slow burn there’s a much higher chance of them burning hot for a lot longer.

In the dating culture of our society, sex and physical connection seems rushed. It feels like that’s one of the first ways to see if the connection will be strong or is worth the pursuit. Perhaps you have a rule like, “I only have sex after the third date” or whatever feels comfortable to you. But rather than a certain amount of time:

What if you waited to have a physical connection until you knew your embers were hot and strong enough to sustain the relationship over time?

It’s uncertain how much time that could take. Perhaps several weeks, months, or even years. Are you willing to put in that kind of time to really get to know someone before “allowing” the physical connection (aka sex)?

With patience and time we can truly get to understand each other. We can start to see each other's true essence and really get to know the other's soul. In this time, we can decide from our observer (not our ego) if this person is right for us to pursue something beyond friendship. If not, wow! We just developed an amazing friendship that will likely last a very long time. Deep meaningful friendships, especially with the opposite sex, are amazing! And we should be so grateful if that’s what comes from this effort of building a foundation, or heating up a pile of embers. If yes, even a bigger wow! A strong beautiful love emerged from a foundation of trust, understanding, deep connection, and the conscious decision to walk forward together hand-in-hand.

When sex comes too quickly, before you really get to know the person, it’s easy to “fall in love” because that’s how we evolved. Once that energetic exchange takes place our species benefited by sticking with that person because there was a good chance of procreating. Our brains (egos) think it’s “love” when in reality, we may not even know and understand that person's true essence. Without taking time to fully get to know them, a false sense of love, yet an incredibly deep commitment or sense of loyalty, can occur (without the strong slow burning pile of embers). What can happen when there’s deep loyalty and commitment without the true essence of unconditional love? Codependency, toxicity, manipulation, feeling “stuck” or “trapped,” and inevitably heartbreak.

Maybe it’s easier for you to have sex and not fall in love. Maybe you’re not looking for long burning embers, but you’re more interested in a hot passionate fire. That’s great! But let’s stop lying to ourselves.

If you are trying to call in a spiritual partnership, long-term commitment, or a “life-long” connection, it starts with building and sustaining your embers.

Learn about the person on a deep and meaningful level, create inside jokes, master the art of nurturing each other, travel and do fun things together, create memories with each other, and truly become friends. Commit to getting to love and understand each other on a soul-level - a connection much deeper than passion and immeasurable to “just” sex.

It’s okay to take your time, it’s okay to move slow, it’s okay to build a friendship. Relationships shouldn’t feel rushed, or like a checklist, or that there needs to be linear progression. Build your embers calmly, easily, and don’t force it. Enjoy the process! There’s so much joy and a much different type of excitement when we get to know each other's authentic souls without the pressure of sex and romantic connection. When you have that strong base of incredibly hot smoldering embers and THEN you decide (consciously) to add the beautiful hot colorful flames of passion, imagine how long that fire will burn?